I'm a blog stocker, I'm constantly reading other missionaries blogs and hearing their stories about everything they do to make a difference in Haiti. Reading these blogs is both inspirational as well as discouraging. I love to read them, but it always makes me feel like I'm not doing enough to make a difference. The grass is always greener on the other side. There are times I wish we were running programs and missions like the ones I read about on blogs.
I often feel discouraged that we aren't doing enough to help our biological families, our nannies, and our community. Of course I know we are making a difference. But everyday Nick and I are asked for loans from our nannies who are having some sort of emergency and have to tell them no. We have had 13 of our children pass away in the 14 months we've been here. 3 of our kids who have been reunited with their families have also passed away. We are constantly being asked for work and have to tell people we don't have any available. We get asked all the time for help from people who are desperately in need, but we have to turn them away.
It's easy to get discouraged here. To see all the things we aren't able to do and all the people we aren't able to help. It's easy to read other missionaries success stories and assume they are making more of a difference than what we are.
Thankfully recently God has given me a few moments that have really touched me and reminded me of the importance of our work here.
While Nick was gone Eventz, Wedly, and I had a 1 year old boy stay with us for a few days. The four of us were laying in my bed doing our normal bed time routine of reading stories, reading the bible, singing, and praying. Eventz was laying on my chest, Jeff was laying next to me in one of my arms, and Wedly was holding on to my hand and staring into my eyes.
I just sat there for a while enjoying the moment and then it hit me. There are a lot of things I am not able to do. A lot of people who are suffering right outside my gate that I can't help no matter how much I want to. But for those three beautiful little boys, I was able to show them God's Love that night and make them feel comfortable as we spent quality family time together.
A few nights ago we had two more kids staying in our house with us who were recently admitted. As I was giving the 2.5 year old a bath and gently washing his body, he looked up at me and smiled. A child, especially an older child, smiling in their first few days here is huge.
His smile absolutely broke my heart. He gave me this look that made me realize it had been along time since anyone had taken good care of him. He wasn't used to the hugs, kisses, and gentle touches I gave him his first few days here. It was all I could do to keep from crying as I tried to imagine what his first 2.5 years have been like. How hard it must be to have lost both parents, be neglected, and then come here to this strange place with strange people who speak a strange language.
Both of these boys have since moved out to the baby house and I don't get to have these intimate moments with them, but I am so thankful that God gave me these moments as a way to remind me that I am making a difference. I'm able to pray directly for these children. To help with their development and to show them God's love. My time with them is short, but it is indeed making a difference.
Thanks to all of you who pray for our family, children, and staff everyday. We need it to have the strength to serve God to our full capacity.
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